Grill’s Grills.

(This was an occasional column I did in PCFormat, where I made disgusting high-calorie snacks to keep gamers going through long lonely nights. I just fancied a quick resurrection.)

Recipe – Spicy roe dumplings
Starvation
Canned Cod’s Roe
1 large beaten egg
Cornflour
Chinese chilli oil (1 tsp)
Seasoning.

I’ve no idea what cod’s roe is. I thought it was the eggs of the cod, mushed into paste, but opening the can seemed to indicate that it was, in fact, the basic ingredient of cat food. Or so the smell inferred. However, unlike its fishy brethren, it slices really well, indeed I’m sure you could sculpt all sorts of Boschian monstrosities out of it, if you were so inclined. I sliced the jellied lump into ten chunks, dunked them in the beaten egg, into the cornflour, into the egg again and into the cornflour one last time. Then fry (deep or shallow) for five minutes, flipping over when golden brown. (Leave it too long, or not use enough oil and the dumplings will revert to a pasty white colour as the water seeps out of the roe; if this happens, pour the water off, more oil in and turn up the heat.) Season and serve with a finely shredded green salad and the chilli oil for dipping.

Accidental discovery
Mixing a teaspoon of cornflour and 1 beaten egg makes for an excellent base for lovely fluffy light omelettes. Alternatively, mixing 2 beaten eggs with 1 tbsp of greek yoghurt makes for a thicker, more spending-all-day-in-the-fields, working-life-out-just-to-keep-life-in kinda omelette.

Conclusion
Cornflour helps with everything. Mix it with the juice of a roast, and you’ve got a great gravy. Mix it with butter and you’ve got the basis of a roué and hence a great white sauce. Mix it with HCL and put some rice in, and you’ve got a lethal paste for sticking on the end of your umbrella when wandering across London bridge. (Ric-in. See what I did there? Georgi Markov anyone?)

Embarrassed admission
I’d meant to use Matzoh Meal for all these recipes, but I short-sightedly picked up the wrong box.