Thursday, August 28, 2003

Got a terrible lusting for battered bananas. Perhaps I'm pregnant.
Guardian Unlimited | The Guardian | Mike May regains his sight after 43 years of blindness Beautiful. Just beautiful. A grown man reduced to childhood by regaining total sight, just like that, with the aid of good hard science.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Hollywood Is Calling
Look. At the Bottom! Greg Evigan, famed star of "My Two Dads", and "When Insects Attack!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

I know I remembered my dream this morning. I remember remembering it. And memory's infallible right? I remember someone telling me that once...


When I was a kid I remembered every dream; the one about the black hole of Calcutta, the one about the omphalos and the dinosaurs with men's heads, the one about the ditch and the maze made out of family members, where someone was chasing. They were ripe for analysis, heavy with psychological fruit. But now, when I have most need of blessing, wherefore can not I pronounce 'Amen', why no dreams?

Monday, August 25, 2003

Sorry for the slow posting, but I've been locked out of my flat for two days.

We've all done it, walked out of the door and realised our keys are inside. But what do you do when the only other keymaster is away, uncontactable, doubtless irritated to fuck if contacted, and hasn't said when he's getting back? And your landlord has more chance of running a cambodian concentration camp (not for ADD sufferers we might add) than answering the phone?

Of course, you wait a night then borrow a step ladder and break in.

Well, after wading in sandals through inch-deep pigeon shit to steal a too-long stepladder from one of the vents that dot your building. And finding you can't get it back through the window (begging the question, how the hell did it get in there?) Then realising you might not be able to get back through the suddenly-high window either...

So, anyway I borrowed a step-ladder, went to my neighbour's flat (who lives beneath me) and climbing up into my flat.
In full view of CCTV, Bath Abbey, and the main shopping street.

Would you be surprised the police popped round to say 'hello?'
Would you be surprised to find they thought I was a burgular?
Would you be surprised to find they had no record of my living at this property?
Would you be surprised to find that my flat looked like it was in the process of being robbed?
Would you be surprised to find that it took me ten minutes to find any I.D.?
Above all, would you be surprised that the other keymaster got back fifteen minutes later, and found me frantically cleaning the flat, inculcated with a terrible fear that the police were going to come back for tea and biscuits and find certain ediblets that might be on the wrong side of the law. This is all conditional, you understand?

Thursday, August 21, 2003

New York Post Online Edition: food Burrough's Naked Lunch gets a petit-bourgeouis makeover.
Spammer ducks for cover as details published on web
Betterhumans > News > Nanoparticles Keep Brain Cells Alive
BBC NEWS | Health | Doctor slang is a dying art
Discovery Channel :: Human Bones Beneath Ben Franklin Ho Franklin, the founding father with the penchant for physics and adultery, shows an aptitude at biology too...
Ninjalane - L33t Dictionary \/3|2y |_|53ph|_|[]_

Monday, August 18, 2003

Decapitation again | Whale flatulence stuns scientists (August 14, 2003) nuff said.
BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Film | Plotting alternative film endings: "r"
"I always thought that Gladiator would have been better if after the death of the Emperor, Maximus had to fight off a whole army of nuclear-powered kangaroos that had been hiding behind the coliseum, bouncing around and crushing Romans with their big furry feet.

Pete, UK "

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Pathology: Green Turtle Eyes What the frick am I looking at this for? Answers on a postcard to c/o George W. Bush, White House, Washington Dark.City., USA.
Guardian Unlimited | The Guardian | Suicide decapitated himself with nylon rope
Things to note about this suicide.
1) The suicide was committed in a manner consistent with the cult Blue Jam, a disturbing comedy radio programme.
2) The suicide was discovered by the girl who had rejected him.
3) The girl rang her work so everyone could have a gander at the headless body, before she rang the police.
4) The Nylon rope was bought with a staff discount.
5) The suicide killed himself, but put his seatbelt on.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Bomber's head found five stories up
"Williams' head has been shaved and drilled with holes. Verducci also reports that, before the head was placed in its present location, it was accidentally cracked as many as 10 times due to fluctuating storage temperatures." Urgh, I hate baseball, but I hate baseball player's heads going off even more. And being drilled with holes. And accidentally 'cracked.'
Boy shit Not up to the Tardblog, I'm sorry to say, but for the scatologically minded out there this is ideal viewing for the kids. Assuming they're coprophiles too.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

The Tard Blog Jawdroppingly wonderful.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Bloodthirsty or a classic? Gibson's film of Christ's last days alarms Jewish groups
Smokers are like viruses.

Let me qualify that.

Actually, no let's not.

Let's not qualify it, let's reject it.

Smokers aren't like viruses. They are viruses. Take the example of fag boxes (cigarette packets to our more dainty readers.) Smokers build up resistance. Stick a tiny warning on it, such as "Smoking has been associated with lung cancer" and they'll take a look, and some might stop smoking for a bit. But the urge makes them go back, and try again and again, and eventually the warning's effectiveness is eroded.

Then you have to try other warnings. Then threats. Then pictures of cancer victims (The latest ploy.) Even if you lined them up against hte wall and shot them, I'm sure they'd still manage to ensure the gun barrel smoked. I am of the firm belief that smokers will always come back, more in a zombie way than a doritos way, unless you irradiate them or something. If there was one smoker left on earth, and the rest had died in a smoking-related accident, and were ina big smoking heap nearby, I'm of the firm belief that he or she would quit for a week, and then be right back in there.

That said I *am* a total illiberal bigot.

Monday, August 04, 2003