Why I am not a vegetarian (work in progress)

After a discussion with my brother as to why I still eat (free-range) meat, I came up with the following. Criticism and arguments welcome in the commments please!

Principles
1 The most important thing in any life is to be free from pain
2 The next most important thing in any life is to have your desires satisfied
3 There is no life after death, for man, animals, plants, rocks or anything else
4 All things die.
5 A death which the individual does not forsee and is free from pain is the best death. (From 1 & 2 3.)
6 A life which is free from pain, involves the satisfaction of necessary desires and ends according to 5 is called humane. (From 1 & 2 & 3 & 5)
7 The length of the life does not matter, as long as it fulfils all conditions of 6.
8 If an animal or human is raised and dies in a humane condition, it is the best life. (From 7)
9 Animals' desires are simple and satisfiable.
10 All things considered, animals desires in the wild are satisfied less and they suffer more pain than animals' lives in humane captivity.
11 Free range farming and the use of a regulated abattoir is more humane than a life in the wild.
13 For an animal, a life on a free-range farm ended sharply in a professional abattoir is the best life.

Caption Competition

Log: "You're all on TV!"
Dov: "Blimey, you can house my sea from here."
Boss Nonnu: "Open the pod bay doors, Hal"
Meerling: Hillary Clinton's rejuvenation deemed a success. "Now I'm as pretty as Obama!"
Dov: "The fumes bring on a state of euphoria before overcoming the victims"
Me: *New!* The Bad-Taste Pod can defend against the most awful decor. Orgasmatron attachment extra.

These pods are absolutely awesome, especially for the orgasmic look they imbue this woman with. Boss Nonnu commented that in "in a decade, we'll all be working inside one" and I have to agree; one day things like this will shielding us against the mental vampires of big government.

Apparently, it actually uses air to measure your body's volume.

Naruto Episode 32

Or the one in which Ino watches Sakura get beaten to a pulp while she has a series of increasingly irrelevant flashbacks about what great friends they used to be.

Naruto is increasingly ace. It also reduces me to tears on a worringly ferquent basis.

Sick of Cake

Look, I'm tired of your pathetic cake jokes, m'kay? I mean the vast majority of them aren't even jokes are they? They're Proustian madeleines, reminding you of something very personal only you and the elect understand; they're just you saying the word cake and then giggling like a schoolgirl doped up with nitrous oxide and poppers (innocent m'lud, I have access no to NO2). You make me ashamed of my virtual friends, you really do.

So I'm going to supply for you, my lovely overly self-referential chums, a near-complete set of cake and baking-related puns, just so we don't have to mention the c-word again. Between us we might raise the tone, leaven the atmosphere, even come up with something not half-baked. There is little margerine for error, so don't tell your friends these jokes are stollen and work on a knead to dough basis; most importantly avoid loafing about like bloody spongers (the Devil makes food c*** for idle hands, according to Eccles-iatisicals anyway) and if you can't think of one that doesn't provoke an icy/frosty response, make a joke about something simnaler. If you can't think of anything, petit force yourself - it's all grist to the mille-feuille after all.

(Sanity says: shit, this is degenerating rapidly. Finish him!.)

It's a piece of c*** really. Just remember that Jaffa C***s are really tax-dodging biscuits.

The Departed Re-cut (Wind in the Willows 2)

Jonty

Jonty, originally uploaded by Hot Grill.

I've been playing with an auto-rotascoping tool at www.befunky.com which produces some awesome results. Click through to my Flickr page to see more.

Fry's Delight

Stephen Fry » Blog Archive » Let Fame

Let the pheme f be the gene of celebrity, the base unit of fame; its only function is to replicate itself by planting the awareness of a given famous person, x, into the host minds of the masses, m. The pheme of x, f(x) does not demand that you like x, respect them, admire them or even know much about them, only that you are conscious of them enough to pass on the pheme in some manner.

Holy crapola. Steve Fry's first post on Smartphone wasn't simply a one-off - the man thinks and opines at length all the time, on topics you wouldn't expect a light entertainer to discuss, especially not with the erudition displayed here. A genuine insight into the mind of a genius.

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Dwarfwarfarfrff

Another Little Disappointment » Who Will Ride Me Like The Horse That I Am

TOP FIVE REQUESTS MADE OF PROFESSIONAL DWARF

1. Can you ride me like a horse please, like I am a big proud horse
2. Can I knock on your overhanging forehead please, I want to see whether it’s like a block of wood or an aquarium
3. Please can I stand you on the handle-end of a fork, then slam my hand on the stabbling end, and you go flying through the air
4. Can I see your teeth please, I want to see if you’re adapted for an omnivorous lifestyle
5. Get your cocktail sausage hands off my tits please, this stopped being charming some minutes ago and I can see your erection

But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I got up a few times and moved backwards and forwards, but I got nowhere near actually saying “ride me” to a dwarf. Annoyingly, this is because I respect people in real life, getting my kicks instead from being a dick on the internet. Vile reprobate Will Porter has no such qualms. People are his playthings.

Jon "Logathon" Blyth is parasiting off my dwarf story by pretending he thought of dwarfs first, they all belong to him intellectually, and indeed invented the whole concept of "relative measure". He even used my terrifying Will Porter picture.

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Big Daddy & the Hobbit.

Big Daddy & the Hobbit., originally uploaded by Hot Grill.

I’m already having one of the most stressful days of my life, when the phone on my desk rings and our imperturbable elderly receptionist says “there’s someone to see you” in dulcet tones that sound like she got sleeping sickness in 1920 and is just getting around to waking up. (She is *lovely* though.) At which point I remember that the also-lovely, batshit mental Lunch PR team were meant to be sending someone over to see me, though they wouldn’t say who.
So, leaving my oft-interrupted writing with a rueful glance, I grabbed the lift down and emerging from the darkened corridor I saw a small figure in a pointy brown cape… “Oh no”, thinks my stressed, tired brain “They can’t have. They wouldn’t. Not in this day and age. ” A look at the serried smiling faces of the PR team, laden down with cupcakes convinced me they had. Not a famous one, not one in character, just a normal dwarf. Dressed as a hobbit.

That Ram Raider Chappy

The RAM Raider: Future Publishing Readership Goes From "Strength" To "Strength"

Xbox 360:
Officially Corrupt Xbox 360 Magazine: 65,673 (gaining 22,993 readers)
Xbox World 360: 30,296 (gaining 7,113 readers)

“We’re delighted to be leading Future Publishing’s assault on traditional moral values by definitively proving once and for all that honesty is not the best policy,” said a spokesperson for Officially Corrupt Xbox 360 Magazine, yesterday. “These results conclusively demonstrate that lying to our readers, reviewing unfinished code, and awarding artificially high scores in exchange for advertising payments does pull in readers.”

An interesting alternate viewpoint on Future Publishing's position in the games industry is available over at the Ram Raider's site. We've never taken any money for coverage or high scores (when I've overscored it's been through stupid enthusiasm rather than evil corruption), or reviewed code we've been told isn't okay to review from, and I personally have never lied to the readers knowingly, but I found the article fun and a refreshing take on the games industry. I'd highly recommend clicking through to read the next paragraph after this one... ;)

Burgeoning Ego does not endorse his comments, nor does it condone the language employed or agree with the statements therein. (Yes, I'm really scared of getting in trouble for merely referring to this, but this is fair comment, surely?! I'm allowed to refer to other people's comments on my magazine, aren't I? On a completely different note, the paranoiac stress inculcated by living in a seeming panopticon where any misstep might lead to an eternity of pain and suffering could really get a man down, couldn't it? He says, theorising, apropos nothing.)

(And, no, I'm not the fucking Ram Raider, though I'd like to know who is, just to put me out of my misery.)

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